


these cold hands of mine (fit perfectly in yours)

by walshisaweedbrain



Series: these cold hands of mine (fit perfectly in yours) [1]
Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Idiots in Love, POV Second Person, Strangers to Lovers, and it's toni, angst in pt.2, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29337042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walshisaweedbrain/pseuds/walshisaweedbrain
Summary: “How does it feel?”“How does what feel?”“Kissing a girl.”Oh.You didn’t expect the conversation to turn this way.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Series: these cold hands of mine (fit perfectly in yours) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2172315
Comments: 61
Kudos: 388





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I spend the afternoon writing about shoni instead of, like, working on my assignments but hey, no regrets. 
> 
> So this was supposed to be a 2 part one-shot kinda thing but I haven't quite written the second part yet so well, I guess I'll add that once it's done. I figured it could be read separately though so here's to part 1. 
> 
> Hope you like it!

**i.**

You don’t exactly know what to do when a blonde head drops onto your shoulder so suddenly that it almost makes you lose your balance.

_ — What the fuck is wrong with people? — _

You turn around to give the stranger a piece of your mind, but right then a nose nuzzles into the skin of your neck. 

“You smell like sweat.” a slurred voice with a southern accent mumbles in your ear. 

You remain frozen for a moment, not entirely sure of what to say or do. Sure — you think — you probably smell like sweat and cheap deodorant, but that happens when your best friend literally drags you to some frat party right after a basketball game without giving you time for a shower. 

“I-uhm- yeah, sorry about that.” 

_— sorry about that? What the hell were you even sorry for? —_

The blonde girl — she has some of the greenest eyes you have ever seen and incredibly red cheeks from the alcohol — half-shrugs and keeps nuzzling the tip of her nose against your cheek this time.

“I don’t mind.”

“Okay, but I do mind and I very much need my shoulder now.”

The stranger whines and wraps her hands around your arm trapping you, “But I’m comfy.”

You scoff, “I’m sure you are- look, is any of your friends around? I think you should-”

“I need to puke.”

“WHAT?” You startle and jump to your feet in a matter of seconds, the blonde girl stumbling beside you.

You barely have the time to move aside that the stranger empties her stomach on the patch of grass in front of you both. 

A small crowd gathers around and stares, some grunt in disgust and you bit your lower lip. 

“Shit-” you whisper under her breath, launching forward to grasp the other girl by the hips before she can fall knees deep into her own mess, “Hey! Hey! I got you, I got you.” you tell her as soothingly as possible. 

You brush the blonde hair away from her face as gently as you can and improvise a ponytail. You consider it a success because the stranger's face is free and your arm never wavers, firmly wrapped around her waist for support. 

“Toni?” the crowd parts a little and your best friend Martha comes through, “What’s going on?”

“I have no idea,” you shake your head, eyes darting between the people and the blonde girl who just hangs from your arm now, “she uh— I don’t know, she came out of nowhere and now- I mean, she’s trashed.”

A boy forcefully makes his way towards the trio. 

“Shelby?” he addresses the half-unconscious girl that you're holding. 

He looks bothered and uneasy, his shirt is halfway open and his jeans are buttoned but the zip is down. You narrow your eyes because it looks extremely clear to you what might have gone down with this guy. 

“Jesus Christ, Shelby, what the fuck?” he sighs annoyed in a louder voice. 

The blonde girl — Shelby, you presume — moves between your arms, but instead of responding she holds you closer by the neck, burying her face in your shirt with a wince. 

You don’t wanna think about the possible vomit stains on your t-shirt because, really, you can’t find it in yourself to care much about it. 

“Yo, maybe you should tone it down.” you spit back at the boy when he roughly addresses the blonde again.

He seems to finally notice that you're there too, like you're an afterthought he’d rather not have.

“That’s my girlfriend, who the fuck are you?”

You sneer because, seriously, what’s wrong with men?

“Your girlfriend is sick, asshole, can’t you see? She needs to lie down and can everybody stop fucking staring?!”

The guy seems taken aback by the sudden aggressive tone of your voice and doesn’t step close. 

“Toni, we better go, come on.” Martha suggests, gently picking at your other arm, the one that’s not holding Shelby. 

You want to argue back that Shelby is not relenting her grasp, but then again maybe Shelby is not even really that conscious about what she’s doing. You will be damned if you let the blonde fall on her ass though. She might be trashed but she's clearly going through something and you don't feel like judging her for it. 

“One second Marty, I need to—”

“I’ll take it from here.” the guy interrupts you, steering the blonde towards him by the hips, “Thanks uh-”

“Toni.” you suffice through your teeth.

“Yeah Toni, whatever. No need to hover, you can go.” 

And you don’t want to because Shelby hasn’t really responded yet or consented to anything in her state and well… because you plainly don’t trust this guy not to drop her on a couch and just keep doing his thing, whatever that was. 

But then Shelby is slowly peeling off your body and grabbing onto him with clumsy steps and you're forced to let to go because, well, what else can you do about it?

Your gaze follows them until they go inside and Martha reclaims your attention. You walk back to Martha's car, it's an oldie but she cannot afford much more and you're not about to complain as long as the car brings your ass wherever you need to be. Martha's driving and you're riding shotgun and during the whole ride back a pair of green eyes keeps roaming inside your mind. 

“Who was that girl? Did you know her?”

You shake your head no. No— you have no idea where she came from and why did she choose you of all people.

Maybe, for some strange reason, you looked the most approachable person in that yard, with your gaze lost inside the illuminated swimming pool. It was a frat party, so of course the people there would be rich as fuck and could afford such things. Now that you think about it, you're not even sure how Martha managed to get in. Your mind goes back to the blonde once again.

Maybe Shelby was just purely trashed and literally did the first thing that came to her mind. 

You think you'd prefer to know it was the first option, but then again there’s nothing much that could come from knowing the real reason. 

**ii.**

You don’t think about the party again for the next couple of weeks. There’s not really a reason why you should and so you don’t. The blonde girl — Shelby, you remind yourself — still lurks in the back of your mind at times, but it’s just because you think you spot her around campus; waving at you from the opposite side of a patch of grass; passing you in the way out of a 24/7 corner store where you buy alcohol sometimes. 

Shelby is not there. It’s never her and always her at the same time. But it’s not like you consciously try to think about her. It’s effortless the way she comes back to you and you’re not sure of what to make of it. You’ve known her roughly for half an hour, maybe less, and she’s still there. You wonder if she even goes to your same university, maybe she was just visiting her boyfriend — who, apparently, was a douchebag enough to find himself balls deep into someone else while his own girlfriend was around. In the darkness of your room you wonder if you’ll ever see her again.

And when your hand sneaks past the waistband of your sweatpants and into the pooling wetness between your legs, you close your eyes and find a pair of green orbs staring back at you and you feel guilty coming to the thought of her. 

You don’t know this woman and you wish you could.

**iii.**

Martha brings you to a music festival out of town. It’s a couple of hours drive but she offers and you have nothing better to do anyway so you agree to go. 

It’s boring at first, you don’t know the majority of the bands playing and you’re pretty sure they’re mostly niche, but you like to see Martha happy and she nods along, bopping her head continuously when you tell her you’re going to get something to drink from the stands. 

The line is extremely long but it moves at a quick pace and sooner than expected you’re debating which kind of beer to take. They only sell craft beers and you have no fucking clue of what any of those names mean. 

“You should take that one.” a girl points at one of the names on the price list and smirks at you. 

You blink a few times to make sure she’s talking to you and then look back at the beers with a lost expression. The line is getting impatient behind your shoulders and you’re so close to giving them all middle fingers. 

The girl chuckles and orders two of those beers, offering you one. 

“My treat.” she winks and starts to walk away like she knows you’d follow. 

It’s such a cliché and you’ve never been one for those, but somehow this time you bite. 

“Hey wait—” she turns around with a knowing grin, “do you know a nice place where we could have this drink and I can thank you properly?” 

She tilts her head to the side, the long black hair swinging past her shoulder, and taps a finger to her chin, “Aren’t you here with company?”

It’s clearly a guess, maybe a hopeful one, but she’s trying to be polite, to give you a way out and you’re grateful for that. 

You shrug, “I have time.” 

The brunette crocks her finger motioning for you to follow her and you do, not before sending Martha a quick text telling her you’d take more time than expected. 

Fatin — as you discover — is surely a flirt, but she’s also chill and she laughs at your jokes. You think they’re terrible really, but she doesn’t mind and you’re surprised at how easily you both seem to fill the silence without embarrassment.

She offers you a joint and you both fall into an easy rhythm, passing the blunt back and forth wordlessly.

It doesn’t come as a surprise when she drags you behind one of the most isolated concession stands and pulls you into a passionate kiss. The tip of her tongue tastes of beer and weed and it’s not usually a mix you like but she makes it work somehow. You’re careful when you hoist her up, back against the wall and legs around your waist. She digs her heels on your lower back to pull you close and when you make her come twice she scratches the back of your neck with her long and perfectly manicured nails.

Which reminds you of—

“No offense, but you are not making me bleed out with those claws you got there.”

Fatin laughs both apologetically and amusedly and she whispers in your ear, “Don't worry I won't hurt you, but I still wanna make you come.” and something else about how dry humping is underrated. 

And if you’re not sure you agree with that statement at first, ten minutes later she makes sure to prove you wrong.

***

When you find Martha again she looks at you worried, like some animal might have mauled you and she’s surprised to find out you’re still alive. 

“Where the hell have you been?”

“I was—uh didn’t you get my text?”

Martha checks her phone and her frown disappears, “Oh… sorry, music was loud and I must’ve missed— wait, is that a hickey on your neck?”

You slap your hand on your neck immediately after but there’s no way you can cover that up with some bullshit excuse, so you don’t waste time searching for any. 

“Uh yeah, I kind of met someone and we got uhm… carried away?”

Martha raises an eyebrow teasingly, “Are you asking me?”

“Shut up.” you playfully shove her by the arm, “Okay, yeah, we had sex.”

“No shit. Did you get her number?”

You have, in fact, but you’re not about to give Martha that satisfaction or hear her lecturing you about how good a new relationship would be for you.

“Nah, it was a one-time thing, but she was nice.”

“If she was nice and you both liked it, why aren’t you seeing her again?”

“Because.” you reply pointedly and then, since Martha is still staring at you, you shrug, “Some things just are not meant to be Marty, they just are good in the moment and that’s enough.” 

You are not sure that Martha understands because the only relationship she had was in high school and she and Marcus had been crazy in love to the point that you wanted to puke confetti every time they strolled around the hallways hand in hand.

Martha still talks about him sometimes, but it’s mostly in a way that cherishes the past and doesn’t leave room for regret.

Nothing like you. Nothing like when you think of Regan and how you manage to destroy all the good things in your life. 

It’s when you’re both walking towards the exit and the car, after the long day, that you spot a wisp of blonde hair in the distance and your heart somersault in your chest.

_What the fucking fuck?_

You run all the way there and when you plant yourself in front of the girl, breath short and eyes wide, you realize she’s nothing like _her_.

Nothing like Shelby. 

“Can I help you?” the girl looks at you curiously.

“Shit I- I’m really sorry, I thought you were someone else.” 

She lets out a small chuckle, “Sorry to disappoint.” 

“Oh no, it’s not you, I mean really I shouldn’t have appeared out of nowhere like that.” 

“It’s fine, no worries.” the girl settles and then, before she can walk away and join the rest of her friends, she touches your arm delicately, faint stroking of fingers, “Whoever you’re searching for, I hope you find her.”

She walks away and you blink at yourself, rooted to the spot.

“Yeah. Me too.” your whisper gets lost to the air.

**iv.**

You don’t exactly believe in fate, nor in a superior magic that rules the universe and makes things go together and not because you’re skeptical — maybe you are, but that’s beside the point —. No, you don’t believe in it because your life has fucked you over many times and each time worse than the other if possible.

And fate, just because it’s fate and can afford to mess around however it likes, proves you wrong for once. 

You don’t find Shelby but Shelby finds you. It’s unexpected like a thunderstorm during a hot and sunny day of July. And fuck you really feel like a walking cliché.

“There you are!” she says with a wide green, sighing in relief as if her life mission until that point has been finding you again.

“Here I am.” you reply dumbly.

She’s even more beautiful than you can remember her and okay, that’s fair enough because the first time you met her she was a wreck — but still beautiful. 

Shelby sinks her teeth into her lower lip and chuckles to herself, “I gotta admit, I was quite convinced I had you all made up in my mind the morning after that party. Andrew didn’t mention you, but I could remember someone else being there.”

You briefly register that Andrew must’ve been that douchebag with her and as soon as that information reaches your mind, you wish to erase it. 

“Ah yeah- uh well, you kinda crashed onto me.” 

Shelby blushes and covers her face with both hands, “Oh Lord, I’m so embarrassed, I’m really sorry, Toni. I don’t remember much, but I must’ve bothered you and you’ve been such a sweetheart to help me out.” 

_Woah_. Hit the fucking brakes because did this girl — no doubt heavensent — just call you a sweetheart? 

Toni — hothead, messy, walking disaster — Shalifoe a sweetheart? And for showing some basic human decency? Jesus, the bar for Shelby must’ve been in hell and you feel sorry for her for a moment. 

Before something else clicks into your mind and the words come out without permission, “You remember my name?”

Shelby quirks an eyebrow and looks at you curiously now, her cheeks are still pink but she seems in control of her own emotions. 

“Why of course. I mean, it did take me a while to find you, the university is big and I couldn’t recall much of the night at first, but then yes. I’ve had a couple of people pointing me to you.”

You wonder who since you don’t really have many friends, but then suddenly remember you’re in that university with a basketball scholarship, and quite a few people might at least know your name. 

“Oh cool, cool.” your gaze shifts from Shelby’s magnetic eyes to your worn sneakers and it hits just how different you both look.

It must be a weird mix to see from the outside, but Shelby is there talking to you, after spending quite a bit of time searching for you apparently. And really differences can fuck off. 

“I’m sorry about that night,” when Shelby only looks on, you add, “about your boyfriend I mean. He was being quite a dick to you.”

“Ah him, well…” Shelby clicks her tongue and gives a shrug, “we’re not together anymore.”

“Oh, I’m sorry?” you try, but it sounds forced even to your own ears. 

Shelby must think the same because she actually gives a good laugh at that, “Except you’re not.”

She says not unkindly and you can hear a hint of tease in her voice. 

“No, I’m not really.” you concede. 

“Well good because you’re right, he was being a dick and that was not the first time, but he was also cheating and just—” Shelby grimaces like she’s watching a personal movie inside her head — and a really shit one judging from her face —, “let’s say it was about time.”

You don’t know what to make of this whole interaction, but you’re sure of one thing and that is that you don’t want it to end. 

“Listen, how about we go somewhere better than this hallway and you can tell me all about your desperate quest to find me?”

You’re not one for dramatics but it makes Shelby laugh and you can’t help but smile back, thinking you wouldn’t mind being a little over the top if it means you can see her that way again. 

**v.**

After that, a routine stems out. It’s not really a routine in the typical sense of the word, but you see Shelby with consistency and you can sense a pattern in the things you do. 

You meet Shelby one time at the library while studying and she offers to keep you company for a break at the ground floor where the totally shitty and overpriced coffee shop is. 

You frown at how much sugar and whipped cream she puts in her mocha, but when you taste your own drink — “Just black coffee for me.” Shelby sent you a shocked look, “You’re a psychopath, Toni.” — you think she might’ve been onto something with all that sugary crap. 

Shelby tells you about the play she’s writing an essay about for her English course and you’re pretty sure you’ve never seen anyone else being that excited while recounting the plot of Miller’s _Death of a Salesman_. 

She has almost you hooked up on the play as well and she tells you can borrow her copy once she’s done with the essay. The smile she gives you makes you want to do good by that promise. 

The break ends up carrying for a whole hour and when you look at the big clock and mutter a “Shit!” she looks worried as well. 

“Lord, it’s mighty late, Nora must think I’ve gone missing.” 

Nora is Shelby’s roommate and they often back each other’s up to be study partners and avoid distractions.

The word leaves a sour taste in your mouth at first, thinking that Shelby might consider you a distraction, but then you think again about the wide smiles she has been giving you all afternoon and you decide you don’t care enough for that simple word to ruin your mood. 

Shelby walks you back to the third floor where all your books are situated and where Martha is also studying. Your best friend is too immersed in her own coursework to notice you’re back and so she and Shelby don’t get a chance to introduce each other.

“Thanks for the company.” you say, mentally wondering how long ’til the next time you’ll see her. 

“Oh, it was my pleasure.” Shelby smiles genuinely and you wish you could stop getting lost in her eyes a little bit.

Then it finally comes to you.

“Would you like to come to the basketball game next week?” you kick a little at the backpack on the floor with a big sticker of the university basketball team.

“Will you be playing?”

You smirk confidently, “They can’t win if I’m not there.”

“Show off.”

You shake your head and then wink, “You haven’t seen me showing off yet.” 

Shelby rolls her eyes and smacks you on the shoulder playfully, “I’ll try to free my schedule but I don’t make promises.” 

It’s shifting dangerously from bantering to flirting and so you add, “It’ll be worth it.” for good measure.

Just in case. What’s there to lose? Worst case scenario, Shelby will shut your attempts down. 

Maybe you haven’t thought this whole thing through, but she stares at you curiously, almost as if she wants to challenge you to say more, do more. 

In the end she settles for a safe, “I’m sure it will.”

It’s not a victory but it’s not a loss either. 

**vi.**

Martha meets Shelby at the game and they hit it off pretty quickly. You wave at them up on the bleachers right before the teams huddle for some last minute game schemes and your mind zones out. There’s the court, the ball, the team, the net and the game. The rest can wait. 

You score the highest number of points but your team still loses. It’s not the worst loss of the season but it dampens your mood significantly. It’s a reminder that no matter how great you can be, some things just don’t work out. 

Martha hugs you after you come out of the locker room, freshly showered and exhausted, and tells you it’s okay, there will be other games. 

Shelby is there with a sympathetic smile on her lips.

“I tried.” you tell her and raise a shoulder with a bitter smile. 

“Are you kidding? Toni you were so good out there!” her eyes widens a little and you’re taken aback by the sincere enthusiasm and… is that pride you see? “I know the team lost, but really you’ve got nothing to be sorry for. An only player can’t win a team game.” 

It’s a motto you’ve never heard before but it makes sense. 

Martha drives you both to the place you usually go to get food after a game and some days you feel like wolfing down hamburger and fries, but tonight still feels wrong and when your turn comes for the order you just ask for pancakes and maple syrup. 

Martha looks at you like you might have grown a second head.

“Toni did you hit your head or something?”

You roll your eyes, “No need to be dramatic Marty, I’m just not really hungry.”

“Since when?!”

“You couldn’t have helped them win the game any more than you’ve done.” Shelby intervenes and somehow her words soothe right through you like a balm.

It’s one of the few times in your life when things have not gone exactly as planned, but you’ve given your best and that’s enough. 

You can’t scroll past the thought that it's Shelby telling you that you’re enough.

**vii.**

You meet Fatin again at a party and the surprise is evident on your face when the other brunette drapes an arm behind your shoulders and pulls you close for a kiss on the cheek. 

“Oh my god, Dot!” she calls back to a friend, “Remember when I told you about the hottie at the music festival? I found her again.” 

You are not sure if you should be embarrassed or proud of the lasting impression you've made, but Dot looks at you amusedly and slaps a hand onto your back like you're both long time friends. 

“What’s up, dude? Glad to put a face to the stories.”

You feel your cheeks flush this time and lower your gaze, “It was just one time.”

Fatin laughs in your ear, “Don’t sell yourself short.”

You briefly wonder if you’re going to have sex again that night. And it's not like you're completely against the idea, but you're not really at the party for that. 

Fatin seems to precede you, “How come you’re here?”

“Friends invited me.” you shrug and it’s true, Rachel and Leah must be somewhere around, but you haven't spotted them yet. 

“You look awfully lonely though… wanna stick around with me and Dot while you find those friends of yours?”

You do stick around and when Rachel and Leah finally make their way to where you are, they don’t seem against sitting with Fatin and Dot as well. 

You realize you must look like a strange bunch from outside, none of you really fitting with each other, but conversations flows better than expected and you join Dot in playing a game of 'how long until Fatin and Leah realize they're into each other?'

It’s only when you go for a bathroom break that you pull your phone out of the back pocket and find a couple of messages from Shelby. 

_[22:45] Shelby_

_Just found out there’s an ice rink not far away from our uni._

_Can’t find anyone who appreciates skating so would you like to check it out with me?_

_[23:00] Shelby_

_You don’t have to, of course, I don’t even know if you like it, but in case you do well... let me know?_

You are not sure you are into it because, well, you don’t even know how to ice skate. But Shelby is asking _you_ to go and— oh jesus, is that a date?

Before you can give your mind too much time to overthink and panic, you type a reply.

_[23:15] Toni_

_Sure. Let’s do it._

**viii.**

“I can’t believe you’re from Minnesota and never went ice skating.” Shelby laughs and then some more when you grunt. 

You're trying to keep yourself upright but it’s a challenge and while part of you just wants to quit, another part doesn’t want to let Shelby down and cut your time time short. 

When you fall on your ass for the second time though, it’s Shelby herself that pulls you up and intertwines your hands together.

“I’ll guide you,” she smiles at you sincerely, “you trust me?”

“Yeah.”

You can’t help but feel like Shelby is asking for more than just the stupid ice rink.

You go for churros and hot chocolate later and Shelby says they’re nothing like the ones she had in Spain last summer while on vacation.

“Fucking one-percenters.” you chuckle and Shelby looks back at you with a smirk and a new glint in her eyes.

“Yeah, fuck ‘em.” 

*******

There’s a movie night next and then a bowling one and both times it’s Shelby that invites you. 

Martha tells you it’s quite obvious Shelby is interested and you want to believe her, but Shelby hasn’t done anything risky to make you really think that she might want more. 

If you don’t count that she burrowed her face into your caramel jacket because she’s scared of horror movies (even though she was the one to suggest it). 

Or that Shelby has crushed your hand during the jump scares and didn’t let go until you were both out of the cinema and on the way back to her car. 

Or that she pouted after none of her pins went down and you cashed your third consecutive strike of the night. She might’ve asked you to help her out, getting her position right, and okay you might have heard her gasp when the front of your body pressed tightly against her back.

And, well, _shit_ — you think Martha might be onto something after all. 

**ix.**

Rachel slaps your hand away, “Don’t be a dick Toni.” 

You send her a dirty glance and cradle the offended limb, “Am not!” before trying to sneak your hand to the plate again.

“Yes you are.” this time there’s a rough nudge at your ribs and you positively growl at Rachel. 

“Stop that!”

“Then have some decency and ask if anyone else wants the last slice of pizza before taking it.”

“Get fucked, Rach.” 

“Charming as usual.” 

You want to reply something else that would definitely shut Rachel up for good, but your attention is caught by a hearty laugh nearby. 

Shelby has her head thrown back and the full expanse of her neck is exposed and you want nothing more than to smell her sweet scent and sink your teeth into the soft skin.

She’s playing beer-pong with Martha and the duo is losing miserably to Dot and Fatin. 

You barely remember when Shelby officially got involved in the strange but familiar group that has formed; probably thanks to Nora and Rachel and maybe something to do with Dot and being from the same city back in Texas. You don’t really care, you’re just glad that she’s there and your eyes suddenly can’t seem to find anything more beautiful than her. 

She must feel your heavy gaze upon herself because the next thing you know is that she’s turning around, green eyes searching for yours and she grins back. 

Somehow you all get roped into playing Truth or Dare and your complaints — “We’re not twelve, Leah.” — fall on deaf ears. 

Martha is next to you and Shelby sits right across, you try not to stare too much at her but she seems to find every good chance to sneak glances and well fuck, you’re weak for a pretty girl. 

“Toni, truth or dare?” Dot asks.

“Truth.”

“Dude, you boring as fuck.” Fatin rolls her eyes. 

You shrug, “I don’t feel like getting up for whatever dumb dare you want me to do.” 

“Shit I can think of any good question.” Dot huffs and Rachel reaches out to whisper something in her ear while you narrow your eyes at both of them suspiciously. 

“Toni,” Dot’s face lights up with something akin to mischief, “tell us about the time you threw your piss at someone in high school.”

The whole group bursts out laughing simply at the mention of the event, despite most of them not having any idea of what happened. 

You laugh along because, yeah okay, it could’ve been a worse question. Like how does it feel to fuck up a relationship or when was the last time you spoke to your mom. Maybe even who’s the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen, because then you’d have to admit—

“Girl hurry the fuck up, we don’t have all night.” Fatin presses and you throw an empty solo cup at her but finally tell the damn story. 

In the end Rachel, Dot and Fatin are rolling with laughter; Martha is shaking her head beside you like she’s remembering the event with a totally different perspective; Nora and Leah look at you with a mix of respect and disbelief. But Shelby is still the only one you notice. 

She’s laughing not unkindly like she finds what you’ve done extremely funny and incredible at the same time. You like the sound of her laugh, the way it seems to trap itself inside her throat before tumbling out in unrestrained waves.

_Fuck_ — studying English with Leah must be rubbing off on you big time because you’ve never been the poetic type.

You start to feel exposed for some reason and your hands are fidgeting, so you busy yourself by downing the entirety of Martha’s drink.

“Hey! That was mine.” your best friend complains.

“Sorry Marty,” you smile innocently, “I’m gonna grab you another one.”

You walk to the kitchen and gulp down water directly from the faucet and you don’t mind that some drops slip past your t-shirt or splash against your face.

“You okay?” a soft voice comes from behind you and you choke on the next sip of water. 

Shelby pats a hand to your back when you start coughing, “Oh Lord I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“It’s okay.” you say, voice hoarse, “I just didn’t hear you.”

“You abandoned the ship?” you say after a beat, nodding your head towards the group still playing.

Shelby gives a nonchalant shrug, “Needed a break and I realized I haven’t really spoken to you tonight, like, at all.” 

You give her an amused glance, “Some people would say lucky you.” 

Shelby doesn’t add anything to that and then hits you with an unexpected question.

“How does it feel?”

“How does what feel?”

“Kissing a girl.” 

_Oh_

You didn’t expect the conversation to turn this way. 

“Uh good.”

Shelby quirks an eyebrow and you feel shy under her intense gaze. 

“I mean, it felt right for me. The first time I kissed a girl everything kinda clicked into place.”

Shelby frowns like she’s trying to truly unveil the meaning of your words.

“Right how?”

“Like— uh like… fuck, I don’t know.” you shake your head, “There’s something building in the pit of your stomach and it keeps growing and growing and you feel like there’s a fire burning inside you every time that person is close… so you kiss her and it feels right.” 

You realize your gaze has been trained to the floor and you finally look back at her. Shelby’s staring at you with her wide green eyes and you’re not sure if she’s just more confused or turned on. 

In all honesty, you’re not even sure of what the fuck is happening anymore. 

“I want to kiss you.” Shelby takes the breath out of your lungs.

_OH_

She bites her lower lip like she’s not sure it was the right thing to say at all. You must stare at her like someone has just turned you inside out because she decides to speak more.

“I’ve been wanting to for a while now, I just… I know we got something good going on and I don’t wanna ruin it because— what if it doesn’t feel _right_?”

**x.**

You kiss Shelby Goodkind for the first time in the kitchen of Fatin and Dot’s apartment. She sneaks her hands around your neck and pushes back against your lips until she can taste your tongue and then she moans inside your mouth.

And god — you’re already a goner for her, while your hands find her hips so naturally as if her body was made to fit right against yours. You grasp and then relax and it’s a continuous push and pull between you two.

You want her so badly you don’t even think about your friends that are all busy playing rounds of Truth or Dare a few feet away, or that you’re supposed to get Martha a new drink. 

Instead, you’re pressing Shelby against the counter and kissing her like she’s the first breath of air after being underwater for too long. 

And it doesn’t feel right. 

It feels _perfect_. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a new beginning, you think.
> 
> Surely things will take a different turn now.
> 
> You try to remind yourself that fate can be good because it has given you Shelby, but it can also be messy and capricious and it takes no master.
> 
> And so a different turn things take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready? Set? Let's go with pt.2!
> 
> Maybe you'll thank me later. Maybe not. 
> 
> Read to find out <3

**i.**

Shelby jolts awake and scrambles away from your arms as soon as you touch her. 

“Toni…” she moans more reproachful than anything, but she’s still half asleep and it’s mostly an incoherent mumble, “you always have such cold hands.”

You move gently next to her, the tip of your nose brushing against the warm skin of her neck and you take in her sweet scent of peaches. 

“You weren’t complaining much about my hands last night-”

Shelby slams the pillow onto your face even though you still manage to catch a glimpse of her reddening cheeks. 

When she finally retreats to your arms, you make sure to be careful with your hands, so that you’re touching only the waistband of her sleeping shorts while Shelby thrusts a hand in your wild and curly hair. 

“Mhmm” she mumbles against your chest, “you feel good.”

“Weren’t you just saying how terrible it was waking up next to me a minute ago?”

You feel Shelby’s head shaking, “Never said that.”

It’s a rare occasion that you’re up before her because Shelby is usually the early riser between you two and she often greets you with morning coffee before class. But you’ve both slept in her dorm room last night and really there was less sleeping involved than you cared to remember. 

“How did you manage to get Nora to fuck off for the entire night?”

“Language Toni.” Shelby sighs, “I didn’t need to do much convincing actually, she was staying with Quinn anyway.”

You nod your approval even though it gets ignored.

“Here.” Shelby offers her palms after a moment and you raise an eyebrow, “Your hands are cold, let me warm them up.” 

You smirk mischievously, “I know a better way we could do that.” 

Shelby rolls her eyes but she chuckles and it’s genuine, “Tease.” 

She takes your hands between hers and you can feel her working her way up and down your fingers in a loose massage. Your fingers slot together in and out constantly and you just look at her mesmerized, because even in the morning, with her hair tousled and eyes puffy of sleep, Shelby looks absolutely breathtaking. 

When she’s sufficiently satisfied with her work, she raises your hands to her mouth and kisses your knuckles and then the tip of your fingers one by one. 

“There. Much better.” 

You swallow and the next thing you know is that you're kissing her passionately. And you don’t care neither of you has washed up properly and the clock is ticking because everything else can wait, you need Shelby now. 

She’s panting heavily when your lips reach her neck and then she’s scratching your back when you’re trailing kisses down her collarbone, her rising chest, spending time on her breast, nipping at her stomach and kissing softly her navel piercing that drives you crazy. 

“Someone’s eager, uh?”

You look back at her from your position with a grin, she’s biting her lower lip and one of her hands is pushing your head down.

“Please Toni, no teasing.” she pants, staring at you with a mix of pure lust and love in her hooded eyes, “I want you.” 

And it’s all you need to yank down the rest of her clothes and bury your face between her thighs.

*******

You barely make it on time for class but Shelby is laughing all the way there and she pulls you by the collar of your jacket for one last kiss before you part ways.

**ii.**

You have a weird habit to call everything a date.

_example 1:_

“Wanna go study at the library together with Martha and Leah tomorrow?”

“It’s a date.” 

Shelby rolls her eyes and keeps brushing her long blonde hair carefully but she’s smiling at the mirror and it’s directed at you. 

_example 2:_

“Fatin is throwing a party at the end of the week.” you slump on the bed and throw your duffel bag to the floor, exhausted after basketball practice.

“Are we going together?” Shelby raises her eyes from the book she’s reading. 

You grin back at her teasingly, “Are you asking me on a date, Shelby?”

Shelby scoffs a laugh, “Even getting McDonald’s sounds more a date than going to one of Fatin’s parties.”

“It’s a date.” you decide anyway. 

_example 3:_

“Oh Lord, are you sure we shouldn’t bring her to the hospital? I’m pretty sure she has a concussion.” Shelby asks Martha.

You grimace at her alarmed tone. 

“It was just a fall, Shelbs, happens all the time in basketball.” you try to be convincing but you really can’t help the wave of nausea that hits you and suddenly you're emptying your stomach in the parking lot outside the gym. 

Shelby’s eyes widen and it would be almost comical if you didn’t feel so dizzy and everything could stop spinning.

“That’s it, we’re going to the hospital.” 

So you pile up into her car and rest your head on Martha’s lap while Shelby drives to the nearest ER.

Soon they’re calling your name for check-ups and Shelby’s giving you a concerned smile and— is that a _thumb up_? God, you would definitely tease the shit out of her later.

“I’ll see you in a bit.” she says, nodding more to herself than you.

“It’s a date.”

She looks at you like she’s torn between wanting to kiss you or slap your dopy grin away. 

_bonus:_

“So, there’s this new Italian restaurant opening near the campus.”

You’re busy with a last-minute biology quiz but her voice still pulls your attention back, “Uh-uh… would you like to go check it out?”

“It’s a date.” she says triumphantly.

It takes you a moment to actually register that she has successfully beat you this time, and she looks so pleased with herself that you can’t help standing up from the chair and pull her by the hips into a searing kiss. 

Quiz be damned. 

**iii.**

“So, how serious is this thing between you and Shelby?”

Your eyes snap up alarmed, “You can’t fuck my girlfriend, Fatin.”

The room goes silent and Fatin stares at you half offended before bursting out in a laugh. She laughs so much that tears pool at the corner of her eyes. 

“Holy shit, Shalifoe, you’re such a bitch.”

You gauge at your own foolishness and flip Fatin off, which only makes her laugh louder. 

“You know, I would really be offended by your insinuation if you weren’t such a dork whenever _your girlfriend_ is mentioned. Also, like, for your information, I have one too and I’m not a cheater.” 

“Yeah, whatever, what do you want?”

Fatin kicks at your calf and it stings, but you’re not about to give her the satisfaction to know. 

You’re both in your room and you’re supposed to study, but Fatin keeps getting distracted and you start to understand the amount of insane patience Shelby must have to put up with your study sessions and all the times you beg her for five minutes of cuddles that always end up in a half-hour make out session. 

“I just wanted to know where you’re at, like did you meet the parents or some shit?”

“Why? Is Leah asking you to meet the fam and you’re getting cold feet?”

You tease and Fatin kicks at you again, but this time you grab her foot in time and your grasp is too strong for her to move.

“Asshole,” she growls at you but finally relents, “can’t you just answer the damn question?”

You huff and, okay yeah, she might have a point, you can be a bit of an asshole at times. 

“No, I haven’t met her parents and I’m not really eager to.”

“Why? Bad blood?”

“I don’t know much, to be honest,” you shrug and it’s true, “Shelby doesn’t speak that much about her family. Apparently, they were the prototype of the perfect Christian and traditional family and they made her life a living hell when they found out she was gay.” 

“Yikes.” Fatin comments and you can read it in her face that she’s genuinely sorry.

There’s more to the story that you know of, but Shelby has confided in you and, anyway, you’re not about to tell Fatin that your girlfriend’s parents tried to send her to a conversion therapy camp and tried to blame her best friend’s death on her. 

“Wait, we keep calling her your girlfriend, but did you even ask her first?”

You throw the first pillow you can grab at Fatin’s head and she muffles some profanities at you but she totally had it coming. 

*******

It seems like Shelby has caught wind of your conversation with Fatin because not even a couple of weeks later she asks you to go back to Texas with her for Thanksgiving. 

You accept even though she’s not shy in telling you what to expect from her parents. 

You keep repeating it can’t be that bad, but then she mentions how her dad used to — maybe still does — run conversion therapy sessions in the living room of her house and that shuts you up. You think you can finally understand why she needs you there, why she wants you of all people to be there by her side.

When you reach Fort Travis her parents greet you both at the airport quite coldly. They don’t exactly know what to do with you there, and it’s not like they’re not expecting you to be there because Shelby has told them. It’s more that maybe they wished it was all a big joke made up by their daughter to piss them off. 

But it’s not. And now you’re there, holding Shelby’s hand so tightly you suspect you’re hurting her, but she doesn’t let go of you, only squeezes back and presses a kiss to your cheek.

“Ignore them as much as you can,” she whispers to your ear while her parents are putting your suitcases in the trunk of the car, “you’re here with me, just me. I will show you around and we’ll be out of sight most of the time.”

You love her for how easily she’s able to detect your moods and knows exactly what to say to make you feel better. 

*******

Turns out, it’s not that easy to ignore Shelby’s parents, especially when they keep throwing questions at you that look more like curveballs. But you try to be as gracious as you can and if it takes a lot of punches to the pillow pretending that it’s Shelby’s dad's face, well, so be it. 

Fort Travis is quite small and you get to visit most of the places that Shelby has talked to you about. She recalls some of her high school adventures and you’re both grateful and not to be given a glimpse into her younger years. 

“I used to feel guilty because I was lucky, I knew I was lucky for many things.” Shelby tells you with a bittersweet smile, “I had a family that loved me and friends and I didn’t struggle with money or— ” she exhales heavily, “I was not myself, and everything was conditional to the expectations they had of me.”

You’re not sure what kind of comfort to offer because you’re not good at such things, so you mumble a quiet, “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

Shelby chuckles and only holds onto your arm with a steadier grip, like that’s enough to chase away the demons of her teenagehood.

“It’s fine Toni, I’m not, like, fishing for sympathy… I just want you to know me, the real me.” 

Shelby sinks her teeth on her lower lip, “When I was with Andrew, part of me was still hiding and everything was so… fake, y’know?” a pause, “I don’t want it to be like that with you. I want to love fully, freely, without being scared of it.” 

You swallow heavily because Shelby is looking at you like you’re the most precious thing in her life and you feel it growing inside you, all the reason why she’s the right one. It feels ridiculous because you’re not in a movie and there’s no end to dread while Shelby is holding your hand and stroking a hand through your curls. 

You briefly think back at Fatin’s question. 

How serious are things between you and Shelby? Well, you don’t know how to measure that really. 

But she pulls you in for a kiss and there’s a warmth spreading inside your chest and you feel more at peace than you’ve ever been. 

**iv.**

In summer, you invite Shelby to stay with you and Martha in Minnesota and she does, despite having to get back to Texas at some point. 

She’s nervous at first because you’ve talked a big game about how much the Blackburns mean to you.

“I mean, it’s probably because of them that I didn’t end up sleeping on the streets or, I don’t know, in juvie or whatever when I was younger.”

Shelby groans and buries her face on the pillow, “Great. Now I’m even more anxious to meet them.”

“Why?” 

“Because they’re your family, Toni.”

And, well, shit Shelby has a point — you’re actually asking her to meet the people that you consider more family than your biological one. 

But things go well because Martha is enthusiastic to have Shelby around and Bernice and Russell adore her too like you’ve suspected, and Shelby lets herself just be after the first couple of days. 

She helps them in the kitchen and spends time playing with Martha’s younger sisters and you go out for walks, soaking up all the sun that Hopewell Lake can offer. You picnic with Martha’s family at the lakeside and go for morning runs and night walks together. 

Shelby holds your hand and kisses you in public and looks so happy to just be by your side, to the point that you believe you must’ve done something extremely _fucking_ good in some previous life to be able to call Shelby yours in this one. 

The Blackburns have cleared their basement and rearranged it as a guest room to host Shelby and you laugh when you see the double mattress they have put down for her. 

“I used to sleep in Marty’s room, but I guess they figured we would want some privacy now.”

Shelby looks half mortified, “Oh Lord, they probably think we’re having like a sex dungeon in here.”

You stifle another laugh and stare at Shelby pointedly, “Are we not having sex here?”

“Toni!” she swats at your arm, “It’s your family’s house. I’m not about to make them feel embarrassed under their own roof.”

“They don’t care precisely because they are family to me.” you roll your eyes good-naturedly, “I’m pretty sure they’d actually be glad to know we’re not, like, restraining ourselves and shit.”

“Jesus, no, no, no.” Shelby shakes her head decisively, “It ain’t happening.”

You quirk an eyebrow at her, because _really_? But you’re willing to see how this will play out. 

*******

Her resolution lasts for a total of four days before you’re both tumbling in bed halfway naked, clothes tossed around uncaringly and Shelby’s muffled plea in your ear. 

“At least let’s be quiet.”

“We never are.” you mumble back between kisses to her neck and nips at her collarbone, one hand working the bra open. 

“Let’s try.” and it’s more of a groan this time because even Shelby must know it’s a lost battle. 

*******

Shelby meets Regan when you’re least expecting it.

But it also goes much better than you’re expecting.

And, sure, maybe that’s your fault because you’ve imagined them rolling on the mud and fighting for you. 

That’s really fucking stupid — you’re aware, thank you very much — but it was funny to imagine for a moment.

Shelby smiles at Regan politely and shakes her hand and when you introduce them to each other none of their smiles changes. 

You sit in the middle of them like you’re ready for control damage if things go out of hand. But nothing goes, and Shelby and Regan seem mostly happy to be given a chance to roast you with teasing jokes. 

It feels a little bit like being thrown in a parallel universe but it’s a good one so you don’t complain. 

*******

“She was nice.” Shelby tells you at the end of the day. 

“Uhm?”

“Regan.”

“Oh… yeah she was— I mean is, she’s nice.” 

Shelby chuckles lightly, “Toni, you don’t need to walk on eggshells. She was your ex, I get it and that’s fine, we all have a past.”

You nod because Shelby is right and of course she’d be fucking amazing to even get along with your ex. 

You don’t think you could ever get along with Andrew the douchebag. But that’s another story. 

“I fucked things up with her really badly when we dated.”

Shelby is silent for a long while to the point that you think she’s fallen asleep, but when you turn around you find her staring at the ceiling pensively and then back at you. 

“You know, if you feel the need to talk to her, to explain or make things better or whatever— you can.”

“Would that be okay with you?”

You ask to be sure because the last thing you want is to upset Shelby or ruin what you both have, but she smiles at you understandingly.

“Of course. You’re free to do what you feel you have to do, okay?”

“Okay.”

And then, right before you can fall asleep.

“Hey, Shelbs?”

“Uhm?”

“I’m like really—uh really fucking in love with you.”

Shelby shifts on the mattress and kisses you right above your ear.

“I’m really in love with you too, dummy.”

**v.**

It happens at the beginning of Shelby’s senior year.

You’re fresh from graduation and the Minnesota Lynx reach out with a great deal for you and ask you if you’ve considered going pro after university. 

And, really, that’s a fucking big dream of yours coming true. 

You’re so ecstatic that you don’t fully realize what it would entail at first. 

“You would have to, like, move away,” Martha says and you roll your eyes at her with a good-natured smile.

“Well duh Marty, I know that Minnesota Lynx are back in Minnesota.” 

“It’s quite away from here.”

“What’s your point?” you ask matter of factly because you don’t like to feel like an idiot out of the loop. 

“I mean, what are you and Shelby gonna do?”

You frown almost offended by the insinuation, there’s only an obvious answer to that, “I’m not breaking up with Shelby, no way.” 

“You always said you’re not a fan of long-distance stuff.”

You shrug because Martha does have a point, but to you it’s just not a valid one.

“Yeah well, I was younger, and anyway we can make it work.”

“Have you at least told Shelby about the offer or asked her what she wants to do?”

*******

Shelby is proud of you. 

But not the type of fake or envious pride that you’ve seen on the face of some people, even some of your teammates at times. She’s genuinely proud and happy for you and she showers you in kisses to show you that. 

“You deserve this.” she says and you have no doubt that she means it. 

** *** **

“So, like, Marty told me something a couple of weeks ago and I kinda cannot get it out of my head.”

Shelby is pouring over an important essay, but she raises her head and pushes the papers aside when she detects your serious tone. 

For her last year, she has decided to share an apartment with Dot, Fatin and Leah and you playfully call them ‘The Four Horsewomen of UCLA’. It’s a dumb nickname but it sticks around somehow, to the point that they have named their private flat-chat that way. You’re an honorary member and the girls really consider you more of a flatmate than a guest anyway. 

The rest of the time you’re at Martha’s apartment, but now she’s seeing a guy and you want to respect their privacy. 

And avoid some traumatic situations that might have you walk in on them having sex. 

_ God forbid. _

“Okay,” Shelby nods, “out with it then.”

You take a deep breath, now that she’s giving you the chance to speak about it, you find it incredibly hard to find the words without sounding like a complete idiot. 

“What is going to happen to us?”

Shelby blinks in absolute silence like she truly has no idea of what you’re talking about. 

“What?”

“I mean, I signed a contract with the Lynx, right? So I’ll be going to Minneapolis and you’ll be here.”

“Okay, and?” Shelby still looks at you like you’ve completely lost your mind and you find it frustrating how your usual well-oiled communication is lacking right now. 

You love Martha, you really do, but you wish she didn’t put those fucking nagging thoughts in the back of your mind lately. 

“And,” you try more forcefully, to state a point, “I just want to know where we’ll stand.”

Shelby nervously taps a pen against the desk and takes her sweet time to reply, “Well, where do you want to stand?”

“No, no,” you shake your head like she’s getting it all wrong. And, seriously, you’ve already dreaded this conversation so much in your head, you could do without any further misunderstanding, “that’s not how it’s supposed to go.” 

Shelby tilts her head to the side, there’s an ironic smile on her lips and you wonder if you’ve made a fool of yourself enough to turn a serious topic into a complete joke. 

Or maybe you’re just missing an important piece. Yeah— maybe it’s that. 

“Oh? And how is it supposed to go?” Shelby asks you with the same grin. 

“You’re supposed to tell me what you want. We’re supposed to talk about it like mature people or some shit.” and you’re gesturing all over the air with your hands and Shelby seems thoroughly amused. 

“Okay.” she settles in the end with a shrug, like both your hearts are not on the line in that same second, “I’ll tell you what I want.”

And now— do you really want to know? Do you _really?_

“I want you. I want us to be together. And I want us to try and speak if things are not going well. But I also want us to speak if things go well, because before we know we think we’re fine and then we’re not.”

You're grinning so widely that your cheeks hurt. 

“So you want to be with me even if I’ll be away a lot?”

“Toni, I love you. I’ll always want to be with you.” 

And it’s such a bold promise to make, but Shelby is looking at you with such tenderness and care and _love_ that you feel your heart might explode.

*******

You don’t remember exactly when you fell in love with Shelby Goodkind, and you think you might have very well been from the start. 

There is no other explanation for the way she makes you feel. 

**vi.**

It’s harder than you expect it to be. 

Now that you’re a pro there are different schedules, different expectations to fulfill, but you’re happy because you’re living your dream, and isn’t that what matters? Isn’t that what you’ve fought for so long?

There are texts and calls and brief visits to catch up with your friends and to spend time with Shelby. 

But it’s not easy and it’s exhausting at times. 

Not her. _Never her_. 

But the miles and the time in between. 

The nights when you only want to feel Shelby’s body pressed against yours. You miss waking up with your face buried in blonde locks or the tip of her nose nuzzling your neck. 

You miss her scent and her hands warming yours. 

You miss her laugh— because it’s not the same over the phone.

You miss her green eyes burning into yours.

And suddenly it feels like you’re back after the first time of meeting her at that party, when you didn’t know who she was and your mind already dreamed of her like you knew already. 

*******

You promise each other to be there for the important moments. 

So Shelby flies to Minnesota when your team wins the playoffs. 

You see her again when you’re in town playing against the Los Angeles Sparksshe surprises you with a date at the Griffith Observatory.

“Honestly it’s outrageous that we haven’t gone before.” she says and you agree, but all you want is to be with her, wherever that might be is less relevant. 

You don’t backtrack from that statement, but you do end up loving the Observatory much more than anticipated. And then, just because you’re spending a few more days in town, you go to a bunch of farmers' markets all around. 

Shelby buys matching flower crowns and takes pictures of you. One of them ends up on your Instagram — which is growing considerably given your new role in the Minnesota Lynx — and you want to tell the whole world how happy you are, how much you love Shelby, but decide to respect her privacy and she tells you she’s okay to keep you all for herself.

“The people important to us know. You and I know it. That’s all I care about.” 

And you’re proud of her because from the stories you’ve heard, high school Shelby would’ve been so frightened of taking such a step. 

*******

“You wouldn’t have liked me back then.” she tells you one day in a laugh, but it’s bitter and you see right through it how much the thought of younger Shelby and what she went through still pains her. 

“Of course I would have.” you state like you just know, “I would like you in every world, every dimension, every crack in space and time.”

She smiles sweetly at you but lowers her gaze right after.

“No, you wouldn’t have.” Shelby shakes her head, “Because I didn’t even like myself.”

*******

For the most part, it goes well. 

Challenging, but you’re both there and each step is a step you take together.

*** 

Shelby's graduation arrives in a breeze and you sweep her off her feet which is hilarious considered your height difference. 

But Shelby is laughing in your ear with pure, unadulterated joy and she kisses you like her whole life depends on it. Like she’s grounding you both to that moment in time and space and nothing else could ever exist outside of your bubble. 

“I love you so fucking much, Shelbs.” 

She smiles on your lips between kisses, her arms are thrown around your neck and she’s playing with little curls there. Your face fits perfectly in her palms and her body feels _so fucking right_ in your hands. 

“Right back at ya!”

Dot forces you to turn around for a polaroid picture and you indulge her without breaking apart.

It’s your favorite picture of the two of you so far. 

**vii.**

It’s a new beginning, you think. 

Surely things will take a different turn now. 

You try to remind yourself that fate can be good because it has given you Shelby, but it can also be messy and capricious and it takes no master.

And so a different turn things take. 

*******

“Wait what do you mean you’ve received a job offer in Manchester?”

You hear Shelby’s sigh on the other side of the phone.

“That’s exactly what I mean, I don’t think it could be any clearer.”

You shake your head even though you're aware she cannot see you, “Yeah, okay, but like… Manchester is fucking far away. Like Europe far away.”

“Yes, I know, Toni. Thank you very much for the input.”

There’s frustration in Shelby’s tone and you try to be mindful that it’s not easy for her too.

“And what are you— I mean, are you thinking of going?”

“I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not… what if I did?”

“What if you did?” you repeat because yeah— _what if she did?_

“You’re not helpful, Toni.” she grits her teeth.

“Well, what the fuck do you want me to say, Shelby?” you can feel your own agitation rise and you start pacing all over your apartment, your jaw clenching and unclenching almost painfully, “It’s not a decision I can make for you.” 

“That’s not what I am asking you.” 

“Then what are you asking me?”

Shelby takes a deep, shaky breath, “I’m asking you to tell me what do you think, what do you feel, what are we going to do?”

And that’s the part your brain decides to latch onto, “What are _we_ going to do? What does that even mean? We’ve already done long distance for a while.”

“Yes but I was not in Manchester, was I?”

No. No. No.

You can feel the knot at the pit of your stomach tightening and there’s a burning in your chest like you’re about to vomit if that phone call doesn’t end soon. 

“Then maybe you tell me what you want, Shelby. It looks to me like your mind is already made up.”

There’s silence on the line, only the faint echo of your breaths. When Shelby speaks again it’s like a booming speaker going off near you.

“I want us to be honest with each other, Toni. Yes, we’ve done long distance but it was different, and even then it was so fucking hard at times.”

_Uh_ —oh situation is really bad if Shelby curses.

“How many times could we actually visit each other if I’m in Europe? How long ’til messages become sporadic and we start to ghost each other? How long ’til we start pushing each other apart for the sake of other commitments?”

Her thick Texan accent is always back in full swing when she’s mad, but as much as you’ve grown to find it hot, it cannot distract you this time. 

“That’s so unfair of you to say.” you spit out sourly, “You know I’d never do that to you.” 

“And I’d never do that to you either.” Shelby is quick to reply, then lowers her voice, “But maybe that’s what we like to think.”

You can’t believe you’re having this conversation. Never in the foreseeable future you would’ve imagined it — and maybe that was your first mistake. 

“So what are you saying, Shelbs?” you hate how much your voice trembles but there’s nothing you can do to help it.

“I’m saying that— I’m saying, well, I… don’t really know, Toni.” 

There are loud voices on the other side of the phone.

“Look, I gotta go now, I can’t really talk more at the moment— but I’ll call you back, okay?”

“Wait, Shelby no! You can’t just leave like this!”

“I’m not leaving— I’m…” more voices, so loud you can barely make out her next words, “I’ll call you back.”

“Okay,” you relent in defeat, “later then.” 

“I love you, Toni.”

She’s sincere, you can hear that, but your lips whimper and you don’t fight the tears when they come down. 

*******

When Shelby calls back it’s much different. 

She seems more decisive and your voices are both calmer and less desperate. 

You wonder if it’s because you’ve finally started to realize the whole situation. Maybe you’re looking at it from a different perspective, like the adults you’re supposed to be. 

Maybe you’ve already both stopped fighting. 

You do your best not to think about that.

**viii.**

Shelby goes to Europe and she’s happy. Everything is a new wonder for her, and she loves her new job as a journalist. 

You remember when she told you about it, how much she has kept it inside herself because her father didn’t really consider it a suitable option. 

And now she’s out there in the world living her dream. 

Which also means she’s away from you and you miss her like you miss no other. 

But she’s happy — and that’s what you want to focus on.

Shelby’s happy and you’re still together and — _god, that’s messy._

She calls you a lot, she texts you a lot and she’s even made a schedule listing off the best moments to reach out for each other given your time zones. 

But every time you pick up your phone to reply to a text or a call, you’re left with a sour taste in your mouth. Like you’re both just prolonging the inevitable and _fuck_ it feels like torture. 

You love her and that never wavers, but you’re losing her and you can feel that too — or maybe it’s her losing you.

You’re not even sure which one of you is doing what at that point. You only know you’re hurting and there’s a primal need, an animal instinct kicking and screaming inside of you, begging you to make it stop. 

_[3:40] Toni_

~~ _Please help me stop feeling like this…_ ~~

Instead you send,

_[3:42] Toni_

_I miss you. I love you._

*******

“Shalifoe! Where’s your head today?”

One of the coaches yells from the sidelines during training. 

And that’s where you draw the line. Or, well, that’s what you tell yourself because you have to draw the line somewhere and your basketball career might just be a convenient point.

You find a few messages from Shelby after training, as soon as you get back home. 

_[11:13] Shelby_

_Miss you too, baby. Wish you were here._

_[12:46] Shelby_

_I’m done with work, if you’re free and if you want to you can call me._

And you’re free and you want to. 

But you’re drawing a line.

The phone gets tossed in the bedroom, where you can’t see or hear it, and you drop on the couch like a heavyweight and start a new show that Martha has been begging you to watch for ages. 

*******

“Hey, this is Shelby, if you’re hearing this I can’t come to the phone right now but please leave a message.”

_Fuck_ — you hate voicemail but you still hope your frustrated sigh doesn’t get recorded.

“Hey Shelbs, it’s me, I think you’re in that important meeting you talked about. I just wanted to say sorry for not being around, the past few days have been nuts with the team and well— whatever, maybe we can do something this weekend? Like a movie maybe? I don’t know, call me back when you can.”

Shelby calls you back and as soon as you hear her voice, you understand how fucking blurry that line you’ve been trying to draw is. 

*******

Shelby falls asleep while you’re watching the movie together during the weekend and you smile to yourself at how beautiful and at peace she looks. 

There was a nervous energy flowing from both of you that night, like a bomb ticking before going off, like none of you were sure of what to do or say without upsetting the other and ruin the good mood. 

And you wonder when did you both allow the other to feel more a stranger than a loved one.

You look at her dozing off peacefully on the couch of an English apartment, so far away that your heart aches, you touch the screen in the faint hope that she can feel your caresses. Maybe she's even dreaming of you.

The movie has a sad ending, but the tears you wipe off your cheeks have nothing to do with it. 

With one eye on the camera, you open a new tab on your laptop and book flight tickets for Manchester. 

**ix.**

Shelby cries in your arms at the airport and you hug her so tightly you’re scared she might not be able to breathe for a few seconds. But then she pulls you closer for a searing kiss in the middle of the airport and, really, fuck anything else because you’ve missed her _so much._

She doesn’t have a car because “well, I straight up refuse to drive on the left side of the road” and so you take a taxi to reach her apartment. 

You hold her hand for the entire ride and she looks at you with such awe, like you could disappear from one moment to the other. 

“I can’t believe you’re really here.” she whispers in your ear.

When you turn around to leave a sweet kiss on her lips, her eyes flutter close.

“Does that help you believe that I am really here?”

She hums and then she’s kissing you again, “Maybe I need a million more to be really sure.”

You chuckle, “Then I’ll give you a million more.”

*******

When you’re lying next to her that night, with her head on your chest, all the pain that your heart has been bearing lately dissolves and you’re truly convinced that you could do anything with her by your side. 

Except that you only have a handful of nights in Manchester and the pain will be back. 

And you _have to_ draw a line somewhere. 

You have to. You have to. You have to. 

*******

A few days are grey and rainy and you stay inside with Shelby, simply happy to enjoy her presence. Being in each other’s space is so easy that it almost cancels all the time you’ve spent apart in the last two years. 

When it’s sunny again, Shelby takes you around, hopping from a museum to the other and, despite something typically English that you’ve mostly only seen in movies, you understand why Shelby has fallen in love with the city. 

You understand why she might want to stay here. 

And it's not like she ever gives you a reason to doubt that her love for you is bigger than anything else. It’s just that love is not always enough. 

Those fucking sappy movies must be rubbing off on you big time. 

**x.**

“I think we should end things.”

Shelby’s face goes through a wide range of emotions in the shortest span of time — surprise, confusion, utter betrayal, and something else you can only describe as the purest expression of grief. 

“W-what?”

“Yeah Shelby,” you sigh and slump your shoulders a little, like it’s just a random thought that crossed your mind and your own heart hasn’t been breaking and mending a thousand times over already, “this is not really working.” 

“What’s not working?” she demands to know, “Us?”

“Just hear me out—”

“Hear you say what?” and now Shelby is properly mad, her face wincing in pain like someone’s twisting a knife inside her guts, “About how alone you feel in Minneapolis? You think I don’t feel lonely here? Your feelings are the only one legitimate?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” 

“How long?” she almost growls, “How long have you been thinking about it?”

You swallow heavily, brain scrambling for an answer because you _truly_ fucking don’t even know.

Evidently, your lack of an answer is an answer enough for Shelby, so you rush for words that tell at least half the truth.

"You don't understand, Shelbs... it's affecting how I play and your work, it's affecting everything. You told me that too. I couldn't imagine that not being physically together would tear us apart like this, but it's happening and I- I can't let this happen, Shelby. I can’t do that to you.”

Shelby’s shaking her head like she’s doing her best to physically reject your words, and you fear by the nauseous look on her face that she’s going to be sick any minute.

But you have to go on. The words are out and you cannot take them back.

“What if— what if we end up making each other freaking miserable for all the chances we missed? What if we keep trying and trying until we’re exhausted and nothing is left of us?”

She doesn’t reply. 

“Please, tell me you understand.”

The green eyes are sharp in yours when she finally lifts her gaze and they burn right through your skin.

Maybe you were a match and she was the rock all this time, only waiting to be set on fire. 

“You were my constant happy, Toni.” her voice is hoarse, scratching her throat, she looks absolutely wrecked and you hate to know you are the one doing this to her, “All this time— it was you, it was always you.” 

“Maybe that’s what we need, Shelbs, to find ourselves again.”

She nods, even though the tears have never stopped, and she looks at you like she can’t imagine breathing without you. 

You can. You can. You can — it’s the whisper in your mind, and you hope it can reach her. 

Fate — the same one who made her find you, the one you want to blame for taking her away in the first place — must grant you one last wish. _It must._

_Let her be happy —_ you pray, perhaps for the first time in your life.

*******

There’s an old message Shelby sent you. It sits on your phone unopened for a long time. And you think the night of your championship game is not the best time in the world to do that. 

You do it anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have questions like: What was Shelby's message? How could you leave us like this? 
> 
> Here's answer n1 for you: Shelby's text was well- anything you want it to it to be. I left it open precisely for this reason. "I love you Toni." "I hate you Toni." "I miss you." "Please come back." etc etc etc. Yes, they are all right and no they are not right. Point is that I wanted somehow to give you something that might be a 'personal/private' ending, so Shelby's message really is up to you. (if you wanna drop me a line and tell me what you think it was for you, that would be very sweet. If you prefer to keep it to yourself, that's also sweet)
> 
> Answer n2: Ahaha nice of you to think I'd leave y'all without shoni happy ending. Let's say there might be a sequel to this two-parts shot and if you're interested you shall have it as well. Let me know.
> 
> Lastly, thank you all for reading, I appreciate every single one of you and I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Stay safe, be well, see you next time <3

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: the beginning of this fic was the first thing I ever wrote for shoni, I had a different plan in mind at the time and it was supposed to be a long fic but then I didn't really continue. A couple of days ago I re-read it again and I was like 'well shit, I kinda like this idea' and so this was born :) 
> 
> I hope you like it and that it was a wise choice not to let it sit and rot on my computer. Maybe let me know about it and if you'd be interested in a pt.2
> 
> Wishing y'all a good day!


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